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| today is a good day |
| 08.19.04 (10:54 am) [edit] |
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yesterday wasn't so bad, so I wasn't dreading my personal trainer like I have been. there was a fire alarm going on when i got there. i got home, watched a little tv, talked on the phone with gary, read some, went to sleep. I got 8 hours of sleep. Woke up this morning nauseated, with a migraine. Took some Imitrex for my head, am trying to decide whether or not the stomachache is from all the ab work I did last night. I think it is. Marbles (my store cat) is here, yowing for attention as usual. She's shedding a lot. Can't find her brush. Worried about getting into art school. I can't really draw. Bought a book to teach me but I've been putting it off. Fernando, my UPS guy, is having a good day too. Everything going smoothly, he says. Sent a cute e-card to Gary. Downloaded "Bipolar Happens" e-book and the Health Cards system from Julie Fast. Read the book last night. A little amateurish, but cohesive. I didn't like the part about writing my manic letter, that I would have to take medication to bring me down when I was in a happy manic state. It feels so good, I don't want it to end. I'm fine about medicating for the bad manic states, Ativan is a happy thing. But I don't want to give up the up episodes, even though I know that it'll probably be followed (very quickly) by a bad, violent, irritable one, or a depression. Going to call the Harvard Bipolar Research Studies place again. I really want to be off my Wellbutrin. Makes me feel like a zombie. But is that real? Or is that the depression talking/ It's hard to recognize what is real sometimes. Like today, I feel good, normal, happy, even. I really want to go work out tonight. I hope I do. Gary says it's all up to me. Yeah, unless I get in my own way. the stronger I get, the weaker he is. He being the bipolar disorder. It feels like he wants to kill me sometimes, like he wants to suck everything good away, take everything away from me. So that there is nothing good left in my life. So that dying seems like a reasonable action. Sometimes I'm actually able to tell him to go away, to leave me alone. I was able today to shut up a racing thought in my head. I can't remember what it was now. Just a name, repeating endlessly, like a five-year-old does. It told it to shut up, to stop it. It went away. I don't know when, I think it was right away. Time is flying by today, not slipping by but flying. My stomach is still bothering me. I don't think I want to eat. I should, though.
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posted by: Tracy (reply)
post date: 12.31.04 (2:15 pm)
Hi Lysa, I never wrote before but I found you interesting and almost comical. I have my ups and downs too. I should read for more support. Do you think you could send me that bipolar book think? Only if it's no trouble. I'm pressed for time so maybe we can talk later.But before I go I wanted to mention Wellbrutin. I keep skipping my pills cause I think it makes my valuim/ativan less effetive. I do think 300mgs work for the down part. Well gotta go. HAPPY NEW YEAR1
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 12.31.04 (2:30 pm)
Hi Lysa, I forgot to give you my email for that bipolar book. esilva1@msn.com thanks
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