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| anxious |
| 08.21.04 (8:47 am) [edit] |
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woke up this morning anxious, nervous, stomach sick, and I know it isn't from my workout this time. took an ativan. mmm...it's working. going to go sit outside even though it's not sunny.
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| the stronger I get the weaker he is |
| 08.20.04 (11:56 am) [edit] |
I surprised myself by going to the gym this morning. I was kind of amazed when I found myself putting on my shorts, socks, and sneakers, picking up my little lime green Kiplinger backpack with my weight gloves and lock inside, and saying goodbye to the cats. I'm still surprised. I ate a whole sandwich today, which I didn't like doing, but I think I was really hungry. The M&Ms are not tempting me, though.
Wendy is coming over for dinner later. Leisah broke up with her, but they're still living together until Wendy moves to Seattle. I am going to miss my best bud. She's lost so much weight doing Curves it's unbelievable. She said she almost fainted when she fit into a size six pair of jeans. I know the feeling. When I was a two, it was completely surreal. Totally out of shape, but I was a size two. Four or six is where I belong. I'll get there.
Made two quarts of Crystal Light lemonade with the goal of drinking the whole thing in one day. Didn't make it. Took a phentermine earlier, Zonegran at five. Today's been good money-wise. Leisah ordered a bunch of leather stuff, I charged it to her card and charged here here for the markup, which I halved. Still came out to $200. Heard on the radio this morning that Jane Pauley is bipolar, she wrote a book. Hm. I meant to look that up today. Day ain't over yet. Here's the link to the JP story: Jane Pauley
Curly Wurly candy arrived from Groovy Candy. There are ice packs in the box, but the sticker on the outside says, "We have traveled in a warm truck - you wouldn't believe how hot and stuffy it was in there! So before you dig in and enjoy please let us cool off at room temperature for a few hours (at least!) Thank you - your candy." Curly Wurly is supposed to be the closest thing available to a Marathon Bar, which went out of production in 1981. Explains why I haven't been able to find it!
Today is pretty eventempered, nothing going on. A good day, so far. It's only 4pm, but I'm guessing it'll stay okay.
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| Link |
| 08.20.04 (11:14 am) [edit] |
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Blog Search Engine -Search Engine and Directory of blogs. Looking for blogs? Find them on BlogSearchEngine.com
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| didn't make it |
| 08.19.04 (4:10 pm) [edit] |
i kind of knew i wasn't going to make it to the gym. started fading in the afternoon. figured i'd do crunches at home, pushups. i tried to do crunches, but my abs are killing me, no way. i did 10 girly pushups so far.
i spoke to emily at the upenn department of the harvard bipolar research study. you have to pay for the psychiatric visits, not cool. i'm not seeing a shrink now, do i think it would be worth it? i mean, it would be helpful for others if i participate in this study, but i don't know if i want to be talking to a shrink at this point. which probably means that i should be. i don't know. any information i can give might help someone else. i'm conflicted. they're going to call me back next week anyway.
everything on tnt is a total repeat. i've seen this law and order a dozen times. i'm not hungry. i took a zonegran at 6 something, finally got it from the pharmacy. i had some ice cream, but my heart isn't in it. maybe i can convince myself to go to the gym tomorrow morning.
i've read everything in my apartment at least once, most twice. ah. svu is on usa. i don't think i've seen this one. nope. one of my cacti sent up a spike. hopefully mouchie won't eat it. i caught her trying to eat the orchid again this morning.
i keep picking at my skin. i know it's obsessive, i need to stop. i can't help it. i know i should eat something but the thought is nauseating. i wish all thoughts of food would do that on a regular basis. i hate that i weighed more this morning. why am i like this now? this morning was so much better.
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| today is a good day |
| 08.19.04 (10:54 am) [edit] |
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yesterday wasn't so bad, so I wasn't dreading my personal trainer like I have been. there was a fire alarm going on when i got there. i got home, watched a little tv, talked on the phone with gary, read some, went to sleep. I got 8 hours of sleep. Woke up this morning nauseated, with a migraine. Took some Imitrex for my head, am trying to decide whether or not the stomachache is from all the ab work I did last night. I think it is. Marbles (my store cat) is here, yowing for attention as usual. She's shedding a lot. Can't find her brush. Worried about getting into art school. I can't really draw. Bought a book to teach me but I've been putting it off. Fernando, my UPS guy, is having a good day too. Everything going smoothly, he says. Sent a cute e-card to Gary. Downloaded "Bipolar Happens" e-book and the Health Cards system from Julie Fast. Read the book last night. A little amateurish, but cohesive. I didn't like the part about writing my manic letter, that I would have to take medication to bring me down when I was in a happy manic state. It feels so good, I don't want it to end. I'm fine about medicating for the bad manic states, Ativan is a happy thing. But I don't want to give up the up episodes, even though I know that it'll probably be followed (very quickly) by a bad, violent, irritable one, or a depression. Going to call the Harvard Bipolar Research Studies place again. I really want to be off my Wellbutrin. Makes me feel like a zombie. But is that real? Or is that the depression talking/ It's hard to recognize what is real sometimes. Like today, I feel good, normal, happy, even. I really want to go work out tonight. I hope I do. Gary says it's all up to me. Yeah, unless I get in my own way. the stronger I get, the weaker he is. He being the bipolar disorder. It feels like he wants to kill me sometimes, like he wants to suck everything good away, take everything away from me. So that there is nothing good left in my life. So that dying seems like a reasonable action. Sometimes I'm actually able to tell him to go away, to leave me alone. I was able today to shut up a racing thought in my head. I can't remember what it was now. Just a name, repeating endlessly, like a five-year-old does. It told it to shut up, to stop it. It went away. I don't know when, I think it was right away. Time is flying by today, not slipping by but flying. My stomach is still bothering me. I don't think I want to eat. I should, though.
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